Hello, again.
I understand that I haven't blogged in quite a long time. I feel as if I have been at the bottom of the ocean these past couple of weeks. Procrastination and sleep have been my two best friends recently.
My mother and I had a nice long talk last night about letting go. It's funny how we do the things we do, and we don't notice what we truly have done until it's almost over. My first realization that I encountered last night was that, to truly let go of someone or something, you must accept the part of yourself of which you are letting go. I understand that that must make no sense to some, but as my mother puts it, "when we let go of someone or something, we're not really letting go of that in particular. We are letting go of that reflection of ourselves." My mom is a very wise woman. So talking with her sometimes feels as if you are talking with Gandhi or even Buddha. My mother sees and understands what most people do not. Honestly, sometimes I love her active mind, and sometimes I despise it. She makes you see the parts of yourself that you hope to keep hidden.
Going along with that, a couple of month's ago I let go of someone who I have struggled to love my whole life: my father. When I say let go, I do not mean he died, I mean I let him exit my life for good. He never really loved or accepted me the way I hoped he would. I finally understood that in order to move on with my life, I needed to take him out of it. Since that time, I can honestly say I am happy! My mother fills every need that I may have, including a fatherly guidance. I don't know why I am just now expressing these thoughts because I wrote them down long ago and then burned them. If you ever need personal release, I highly recommend papers, pens, and a lighter. Anyhow, probably the reason my dad has come up, is because yesterday I let go of another harmful piece of myself. That piece can be described as pain, confusion, sadness, longing, and waiting. What I physically let go of was an ex-best friend. It may seem silly, but she was the only one I had for so long. She knew I had no one else, and so subconsciously she started to control me in ways neither of us realized. It all started with another girl (who's name I will not mention); she got closer and closer to my best friend, in physical ways as well as mental ways. I felt uncomfortable, so I backed away. Ever since then, situations keep happening that pull us farther apart. I used to keep fighting for our dwindling friendship, but now I see that it is time to let it all go and move on. You need to let go of the old to bring in the new, and that is just what I plan to do.
My next, and current struggle is my baby cousin Jaxon. He was born to parents that love him but that cannot take good care of him. His father is a bipolar-schizophrenic and his mother carries both those traits as well. We all (my family, his family) have taken him under our wing and stayed by his side through all of his troubles. I do not want to go on any further because it is not my story to tell. I am just grateful to be apart of helping my beautiful baby cousin gain the life he so rightly deserves! Even though all of the drama with my cousin Jaxon is going on, I still have to attend many more days of drama filled high school.
About high school, nothing exciting is happening. Last weekend my team and I attended districts and won two first place trophies and one second place trophy! Other than that, I have homework to finish and a Senior Project to construct. I swear, I want to graduate and grow up (some what), but I do not want to take the steps to do it. I still have no idea what college I am going to attend. Utah Valley University, college in Colorado, and college in Oregon are the choices I still have on my mind. Most likely, I will attend UVU because my two best friends Maycin and Alma will be there, and it is in the state that I have always loved and called home. And even though I am expected to go to any college of my choice, I still wonder what my future path will be, and if college will answer some of my questions.
Sometimes I wonder what my purpose here on earth is. Why did God send me here? What special duties am I supposed to uphold? I feel as if I am wandering through these days and not truly living them. I am blessed with things that most do not get to experience in their lifetime. So why do I feel so helpless and small? I plan to figure all of those questions out, but for now I am just going to try and relax and ignore my personal thoughts! I am sorry this post was not as pleasant, but thank you for listening again.
Until nextime, your friend
Arianna Rapp
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